August 5, 2019. It’s Monday. It’s The Feast day. As we waited for a jeepney to take us to SM City, a little boy came to us and begged some money or food. Here in Cebu, there are a lot of people who are like this boy– hungry, impoverished, homeless. Lots had settled in their state of life in the streets. As we were accustomed already to seeing these people, our default response also was to reject them and shoo them away. 

Little did we know, the Gospel from the mass that time was from Matthew 14:13 and it shares the story of Jesus Christ and how He fed 5000 people– a popular miracle done by Jesus. When Jesus instructed His disciples to feed the people before sending them away, Andrew responded, “We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish.” But Jesus answered, “Bring them here to me.” And then He performed the miracle. Not only did He provided everybody enough to be full, but lavished them so much that there are still basket fulls of left over.

“Christians must never believe their resources are too little to serve God.”

For the past days, I had a constant struggle of being positive and to still trust God even in hard times. My heart was filled with doubts and worries about our thesis and not graduating on time. This was because even our thesis adviser do not encourage or comfort us regarding our status in thesis. He was so negative about us and he wasn’t even helping us finishing it, and even threatened us that we will not graduate this June. Last week was really hard for us, for me that I cried every night. I did even ask the Lord if he was angry with me because I feel like it has been us against the world always. 

“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” ~Romans 5:5

I had said in my last blogpost/devotional that I have been looking for a church that will help my spirit grow and I can be a part of with. Last last week, I attended a service from Rivers of Life Fellowship (ROLF) at Mcdo. And this Sunday I was invited by Cha, a friend of mine, to a ministry she usually attends to. It's Christ's Commission Fellowship or CCF. I really longed to experience the service in CCF since I've heard it from many people and I've been invited to it many times, I just can't find the right time. So when Cha invited me, I did not hesitate.

Little did I know, it was a great blessing to go to CCF since the message of the Gospel is so timely for my situation. The sermon started with the verse 2 Timothy 3:1-2.

It is said in the scripture that difficult times will come in the last days, especially by the time men will be lovers of, first of all, self. We are all guilty of this, right? Pastor wanted us to imagine a situation where selfie never existed, like when you and your friends had seen a waterfall and the first thing you do is to take a selfie instead of be amazed first of the majestic creation in front of them.

The point is we are so invested in finding what makes us happy and what makes us comfortable that we tend to forget to appreciate the things we are given, that are in front of us. I know this may sound revolting since I might be '"romanticizing" pain or mediocrity, but no, I am not trying to because I am referring to certain situations where this message could actually apply.

I'm referring to situations like we are worrying about things that needed no worrying about and more on our selfish expectations about the church and the people e.g. I might not be able to relate the songs being played at church; People might not like what I wear; what if I would still not learn and grow in this church; the church is quite ineffective, etc.

These situations happen because our focus in our lives is wrong. My focus IS wrong. While we were on our way to CCF, Cha and I talked about our expectations in finding a church, she talked about why she ended up in CCF and what she liked about it and I also talked about my story of wanting to find a Church, etc. We did not know that the solution for our questions and for our longing and soul-searching is not finding the right church, but finding Jesus Christ. The Gospel is trying to tell us that our minds should be more Jesus-focused. We need to stare at Jesus Christ.

I was really slapped with the truth during the sermon since all this time, I was looking for a church that could fill me up, thinking it would be a remedy for my starving soul when in fact I could fill myself up with Jesus Christ and His promises. I could not and would never find the perfect church for me if my focus was not on Jesus's. Below are the words written on the leaflet that was given to everyone at CCF:

If you have been coming and attending church for so long, you should be a teacher by now, and yet, a majority of churchgoers "suck" because we depend on milk being fed to us by our pastors, disciplers, partners,... We blame them for our lack of growth or productivity in the Christian life, "you didn't feed me enough". 

It was a dagger through the heart but a good one. I was again humbled. We complain for the things need not changing. What's putting us between this relationship with God is this selfishness we have. For putting our self first and our wants. (But it's not bad to put ourselves first, though, in some situations. I'll explain this some time in another blogpost.) It is time to get over me.

This is now a reminder, self, that we go to church for Christ and ONLY FOR CHRIST. It doesn't matter if I will be hearing the Gospel from ROLF, from CCF, or from the Catholic Church and from other churches. The point is the growth we are longing for relies on our hands, not for asking for input from others but instead offering them to Jesus and having a personal and consistent relationship with Him.

Let Jesus Christ our Shepherd fill our dry and broken containers with overflowing life-giving spring of waters. ❤

It's been a while since I've posted in the blog. I was silent in 2018?! Wow. 

Anyway, I’m kicking this year off with a devotional. I am currently looking for a church that will help my spirit grow and will strengthen my relationship with the Lord. Today, I tried to go to a service where some of my blockmates go to. (It’s held in McDo! Haha proof that you can pray everywhere.)

Here’s my takeaway.

Before the service started, the pastor called out some people to say some thanksgiving in front. Since, it was my first time in the group, I was still very shy and hesitant to go up front. But I realized that it looks like most of us feel the same way, a newcomer or not, because we all waited for a while before somebody finally stood up. 

At that moment, I wonder why are we hesitant to say some thanksgiving? Don’t we have anything to say? Are our lives that bad that we couldn’t think of something to thank for? Or are we ashamed? Is the Lord God not worthy to be thanked for? Are your blessings given by God are not that big or not worthy to be shared to others?

We shouldn’t hesitate to say thanks right? If we know that all the good that happened in our life comes from God, then He is worthy of all the thanks and glory right? There are just really times that the nervousness and the shyness gets the better of us. This happens, too, everytime we are asked to lead the prayer. Haha. All these second moments we take, I think, is a sign that our focus was not on the Lord’s because we are so busy of what others might say about us or if we might say something wrong. But when we think of just praising the Lord and acknowledging Him the glory, we could be thanking Him openly, wholeheartedly, freely! 

Also, “Thanksgiving is an attitude,” as said by the pastor. If we acknowledge that all comes from God, the good or the bad, and there’s a purpose why it happened, we will always be thanking Him and will not be complaining and grunting about why that thing didn’t happen according to your will. 

I was really inspired by the first person who volunteered to say the thanksgiving. She is currently a med student and she thanked for that time that God willed her to fail in an exam that she studied a lot for. She thanked that He hurt her because she realized now that back then, she was overconfident that she didn’t rely the med school/life/stuff to the Lord. Back then, she was confident that she’ll be able to top that exam but instead, she ended up having the lowest score. Despite all that, she thanked the Lord for she realized that surviving this med life would mean taking the Lord in the journey with her especially by the time she’s going to be a doctor. She realized to have humility in what she’s doing.

I was amazed by her testimony because it’s so hard to still thank for the failure? For the pain that it caused? This I know because I was once there. Last semester, I failed a major subject because I failed to pass the one and only exam. It was really a hard pill to swallow. But then, the pastor was right, “Thanksgiving is an expression of humility.” I admit that I was overconfident, years ago, I claimed that I will never have a failing grade because I know I can do it, and it was my mentality that anyone can do it, too. I admit that there may have been times that I looked down on some people who failed and would say otherwise. Now that I’m on their shoes, I resented my old self. It was a hard phase and it has been still going on quite lately but I am making amends with myself. 

I was overconfident and somehow, forgot about God and the surrendering the burdens to Him. Now, I am really humbled. And I thank You, Lord. For everything. Let our lives be full of thanksgiving.